foolishxearthxcreature

Here's an ongoing list of Dr. House's most memorable quips from Season 2:

House: "Where are you going?"
Foreman: "You're an ass."
House: "I know. Where are you going?"
- No Reason

"I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital."
- No Reason

Jack: "I don't want to hear semantics."
House: "You anti-semantic bastard."
- No Reason

"She looks just like you. You have the same fro."
- Who's Your Daddy?

"Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet..."
- Who's Your Daddy?

"I'm a really good secret keeper. I've never told anybody Wilson wets his bed."
- Who's Your Daddy?

"Tonight, L Word marathon."
- Forever

"Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER."
- Forever

"I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?"
- Forever

"Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks."
- Forever

"Oh, Level Three. Have you called Jack Bauer?"
- Euphoria, Part 2

Wilson : "You're accessing a webcam?"
House: "Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?"
- Euphoria, Part 2

"You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day."
- Euphoria, Part 2

"Everybody's great when they're half-dead."
- Euphoria, Part 1

"Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far."
- Euphoria, Part 1

"No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."
- House vs. God

"It's either that or I start going to church every Sunday. And that'd mess with my bowling league."
- House vs. God

"Cuddy said you should do it. You've got a gift. People thank you for telling them they're going to die."
- House vs. God

"I'm a night owl. Wilson's an early bird. We're different species."
- Sleeping Dogs Lie

"Gotta hand it to Foreman, though. He knew you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both."
- Sleeping Dogs Lie

"Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd come back for seconds. I figure after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night."
- All In

"No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage."
- All In

"The parents are mad because their kid is dying. It's understandable. If he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore."
- All In

"Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble."
- Safe

"Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl."
- Safe

"Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized."
- Clueless

"Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Think of all the places I can make Foreman search."
- Clueless

"Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... sklungs?"
- Clueless

Foreman – "His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left."
House – "Cool."
- Sex Kills

"Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win."
- Sex Kills

Wilson – "How'd you get here?"
House – "By osmosis."
- Skin Deep

"Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool."
- Skin Deep

Cameron – "What are you looking for?"
House – "Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment."
- Distractions

Weber – "You can't test anything on an abnormal brain."
House – "That's so close-minded, He's not ‘abnormal.' He's special."
- Distractions

Cameron – "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"
House – "I wish."
- Distractions

Cameron – "His brain is like a waiter that's got too many..."
House – "Hey! I do the metaphors."
- Distractions

"Wow. It's a big jump from ‘Infidelity is wrong' to ‘Do her.'"
- Need to Know

"Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills."
- Need to Know

Chase – "We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine."
House – "I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!"
- Failure to Communicate

Wilson – "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?"
House – "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."
- Failure to Communicate

Foreman – "She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings."
House – "I was there and I have a nine-to-three job."
- Deception

"What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know."
- Deception

"Sorry I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head."
- Deception

Stacy – "Where's Chase?"
House – "He's too busy to service you until after work. I've got a few minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, ‘What'll we do with the time left over?'"
- The Mistake

"One caveat: I've now moved past threesomes. I'm into foursomes."
- The Mistake

"Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young."
- Hunting

"Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite."
- Hunting

"You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor."
- Spin

"What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?"
- Spin

Cameron – "Who was that?"
House – "Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?"
- Daddy's Boy

Foreman – "You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis."
House – "Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right."
- Daddy's Boy

"You -- Intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You -- Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs. And you -- Track down all the other Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have the shocks, the trots or the hots."
- Daddy's Boy

"Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail."
- TB Or Not TB

"You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa...can't think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it's crazy."
- TB Or Not TB

"If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit."
- Humpty Dumpty

"Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."
- Humpty Dumpty

"I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."
- Humpty Dumpty

"Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch."
- Autopsy

Chase – "If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex."
House – "Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth."
- Autopsy

"Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"
- Autopsy

"What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?"
- Acceptance

"Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She's trying to impress her new sex-retary."
- Acceptance

Stacy – "If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?"
House – "I don't want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a really big hospital."
- Acceptance

Foreman – "Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28, and a decreased HCO3."
House – "Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb. Less significantly, we have a brand new symptom. Who's chubby?"
 - Acceptance