foolishxearthxcreature

Since season 4 of House MD (my favourite tv show EVER!) has not started in little old New Zealand yet, and my dvd player broke so I can't watch seasons 1, 2 and 3 to give me a House fix, I thought I would post some House quotes!

All are from the Fox website, which is a great site for all things House!

Here's a ongoing list of Dr. House's most memorable quips from Season 1:

Stacy:"He's scared of you."
House: "Sure. The ex boy toy. It makes sense."
- Honeymoon

"We should do things. Throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff."
- Honeymoon

Cameron: "Previous tests revealed nothing that could've caused the abdominal pain or the mood swings."
House: "Then we're done. Ball game? Zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys."
- Honeymoon

Cuddy:"Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture."
House:"You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days."
- Three Stories

"On average, drug addicts are stupid."
- Three Stories

"The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for."
- Three Stories

"Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check."
- Love Hurts

"Ramona, you naughty girl. Either you've got yourself an 18-year old boyfriend or an 80-year old with little blue pills."
- Love Hurts

Foreman:"Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently."
House:"Way ahead of you. I got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are going to get all the way down."
- Love Hurts

Cuddy:"Dr. House! Need you here."
House:"No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."
- Kids

Cuddy:"You. In the lobby. Now."
House:"I hurt my leg. I have a note."
- Kids

Cuddy:"I'm working. I got hot. Stop acting like a thirteen year old."
House:"Sorry. It's just you don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
- Kids

House:"Sorry. Up late. Internet porn."
Chase:"Why aren't you in your office?"
House:"There's a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off."
- Babies & Bathwater

"She has gone from the 25 th weight percentile to the 3 rd in one month. I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink."
- Babies & Bathwater

"Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you, she's only got thighs for me."
- Babies & Bathwater

Chase:"House never gives speeches."

House:"But when I really believe in something, gosh dang it, I gotta chance to make a difference here."

- Role Model

"By rush, I meant fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right?

- Role Model

"Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree."
- Role Model

"You are the most naïve atheist I've ever met."
- Role Model

Cuddy:"In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him."
House:"Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved."
- Role Model

"Have you ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?"
- Heavy

Wilson :"The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor's extremely large. At least thirty pounds."
House:"It's actually a personal record for this clinic."
- Heavy

Mrs. Hernandez:"I'll have a huge scar. I won't be able to wear a bikini."
House:"You wear a bikini now?"
Mrs. Hernandez:"Yeah, you have a problem with that?"
House:"No, but I've never gone swimming with you."
- Heavy

House to Cuddy:"Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. Conjugal visit -- that's her new fantasy."
- Mob Rules

Bill:"His name's Joey. He's my only brother."
House:"He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him. We'll use the real medicine."
- Mob Rules

"He's a 30-year old mobster. He doesn't have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him."
- Mob Rules

Chase:"You can trust me."
House:"The problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks, you've been a big help."
- Mob Rules

"Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes awhile.

- Mob Rules

"She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Had three assistants and fifteen VPs check out who should be treating her. Who the man? I the man. I always suspected."
- Control

Cuddy:"I need you to wear your lab coat."
House:"I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age."
- Control

Wilson :"And a very bad omen for you. There's not much money in curing African sleeping sickness."
House:"No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys choirs, those are bad omens. This is much more mundane -- a billionaire who wants to get laid."
- Control

Wilson :"She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one."
House:"You get that often? Women who'd rather die than get naked with you?"
- Control

House:"Haven't done the MUGA."
Wilson :"Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?"
House:"Got my aura read today. Said someone close to me had a broken heart."
- Control

Cuddy:"Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing..."
House:"Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia..noo-mania...?"
- Cursed

"A secret club. What's the secret, they're all morons?"
- Cursed

Chase:"How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?" House:"I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life."
- Cursed

Cameron:"If it's cancer, he can't pitch again. If this was a regular guy who broke his arm lifting a box you'd pack him up and send him home."
House:"My God, you're right. I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in, we're on it like stink on cheese."
- Sports Medicine

"Foreman, how are you fixed for cash? Steal any cars lately?"
- Sports Medicine

Lola:"Even if real human contact is something you don't have, or even want, or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.

House:"Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they're trading brains."
- Sports Medicine

"Let me talk to shipping. I speak their language. Foul."
- Detox

Cuddy:"You know, there are other ways to manage pain."
House:"Like what? Laughter? Meditation? You got a guy that can fix my third chakra?"
- Detox

"You always trust me. It's a big mistake."
- Detox

House to Foreman: "Go check out the ‘hood, dog."
- Histories

Foreman:"A tuberculoma doesn't give you a temperature of 105."
Chase:"Then it's a tuberculoma and something else."
Wilson :"The ‘something else' is going to melt her brain."
House:"Poach. Better metaphor."
- Histories

Foreman:"You assaulted that man!"
House:"Fine. I'll never do it again."
Foreman:"Yes you will."
House:"All the more reason this debate is pointless."
- DNR

House:"That paralysis thing. Guy can't walk for two years, nobody knows why. It seems mildly interesting."
Cuddy:"Forget his paralysis."
House:"Tell that to the rest of his bowling team."
- DNR

"Like I always say, there's no ‘I' in team. There's a ‘me,' though, if you jumble it up."
- DNR

"I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce."
- Poison

Dr. House - "I assume ‘minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying ‘no chance in hell.'"
Chase:"Actually, I'm Australian."
Dr. House:"You put the Queen on your money, you're British."
- Poison

Patient's mother:"Who are you?"
Dr. House:"I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification. It's a beautiful thing."
- Poison

Dr. House:"Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?"
Adams :"Why?"
Dr. House:"Because you irritate me."
- Poison

"Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?"
- Damned If You Do

"Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time."
- Maternity

Dr. House:"How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home."
Dr. Cuddy:"No you couldn't."
Dr. House:"Nice."
- Occam's Razor

"Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything."
- Occam's Razor

Dr. House:"Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair."
Patient:"What?!"
Dr. House:"You're orange, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention."
- Pilot

"Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."
- Pilot