November 22, 2007Oh House, how I miss thee (Part 1)Since season 4 of House MD (my favourite tv show EVER!) has not started in little old New Zealand yet, and my dvd player broke so I can't watch seasons 1, 2 and 3 to give me a House fix, I thought I would post some House quotes! All are from the Fox website, which is a great site for all things House! Here's a ongoing list of Dr. House's most memorable quips from Season 1: Stacy:"He's scared of you." "We should do things. Throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff." Cameron: "Previous tests revealed nothing that could've caused the abdominal pain or the mood swings." Cuddy:"Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture." "On average, drug addicts are stupid." "The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for." "Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check." "Ramona, you naughty girl. Either you've got yourself an 18-year old boyfriend or an 80-year old with little blue pills." Foreman:"Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently." Cuddy:"Dr. House! Need you here." Cuddy:"You. In the lobby. Now." Cuddy:"I'm working. I got hot. Stop acting like a thirteen year old." House:"Sorry. Up late. Internet porn." "She has gone from the 25 th weight percentile to the 3 rd in one month. I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink." "Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you, she's only got thighs for me." Chase:"House never gives speeches." House:"But when I really believe in something, gosh dang it, I gotta chance to make a difference here." - Role Model "By rush, I meant fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right? - Role Model "Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree." "You are the most naïve atheist I've ever met." Cuddy:"In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him." "Have you ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?" Wilson :"The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor's extremely large. At least thirty pounds." Mrs. Hernandez:"I'll have a huge scar. I won't be able to wear a bikini." House to Cuddy:"Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. Conjugal visit -- that's her new fantasy." Bill:"His name's Joey. He's my only brother." "He's a 30-year old mobster. He doesn't have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him." Chase:"You can trust me." "Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes awhile. - Mob Rules "She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Had three assistants and fifteen VPs check out who should be treating her. Who the man? I the man. I always suspected." Cuddy:"I need you to wear your lab coat." Wilson :"And a very bad omen for you. There's not much money in curing African sleeping sickness." Wilson :"She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one." House:"Haven't done the MUGA." Cuddy:"Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing..." "A secret club. What's the secret, they're all morons?" Chase:"How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?" House:"I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life." Cameron:"If it's cancer, he can't pitch again. If this was a regular guy who broke his arm lifting a box you'd pack him up and send him home." "Foreman, how are you fixed for cash? Steal any cars lately?" Lola:"Even if real human contact is something you don't have, or even want, or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people. House:"Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they're trading brains." "Let me talk to shipping. I speak their language. Foul." Cuddy:"You know, there are other ways to manage pain." "You always trust me. It's a big mistake." House to Foreman: "Go check out the ‘hood, dog." Foreman:"A tuberculoma doesn't give you a temperature of 105." Foreman:"You assaulted that man!" House:"That paralysis thing. Guy can't walk for two years, nobody knows why. It seems mildly interesting." "Like I always say, there's no ‘I' in team. There's a ‘me,' though, if you jumble it up." "I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce." Dr. House - "I assume ‘minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying ‘no chance in hell.'" Patient's mother:"Who are you?" Dr. House:"Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?" "Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?" "Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time." Dr. House:"How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home." "Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything." Dr. House:"Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair." "Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."
Posted on 11/22/2007 3:22 PM Comments (0)
Oh House, how I miss thee (Part 2)Here's an ongoing list of Dr. House's most memorable quips from Season 2: House: "Where are you going?" "I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital." Jack: "I don't want to hear semantics." "She looks just like you. You have the same fro." "Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet..." "I'm a really good secret keeper. I've never told anybody Wilson wets his bed." "Tonight, L Word marathon." "Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER." "I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?" "Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks." "Oh, Level Three. Have you called Jack Bauer?" Wilson : "You're accessing a webcam?" "You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day." "Everybody's great when they're half-dead." "Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far." "No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic." "It's either that or I start going to church every Sunday. And that'd mess with my bowling league." "Cuddy said you should do it. You've got a gift. People thank you for telling them they're going to die." "I'm a night owl. Wilson's an early bird. We're different species." "Gotta hand it to Foreman, though. He knew you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both." "Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd come back for seconds. I figure after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night." "No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage." "The parents are mad because their kid is dying. It's understandable. If he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore." "Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble." "Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl." "Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized." "Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Think of all the places I can make Foreman search." "Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... sklungs?" Foreman – "His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left." "Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win." Wilson – "How'd you get here?" "Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool." Cameron – "What are you looking for?" Weber – "You can't test anything on an abnormal brain." Cameron – "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?" Cameron – "His brain is like a waiter that's got too many..." "Wow. It's a big jump from ‘Infidelity is wrong' to ‘Do her.'" "Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills." Chase – "We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine." Wilson – "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?" Foreman – "She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings." "What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know." "Sorry I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head." Stacy – "Where's Chase?" "One caveat: I've now moved past threesomes. I'm into foursomes." "Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young." "Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite." "You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor." "What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?" Cameron – "Who was that?" Foreman – "You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis." "You -- Intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You -- Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs. And you -- Track down all the other Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have the shocks, the trots or the hots." "Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail." "You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa...can't think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it's crazy." "If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit." "Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good." "I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear." "Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch." Chase – "If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex." "Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?" "What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?" "Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She's trying to impress her new sex-retary." Stacy – "If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?" Foreman – "Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28, and a decreased HCO3."
Posted on 11/22/2007 3:20 PM Comments (0)
Oh House, how I miss thee (Part 3)Here's an ongoing list of Dr. House's most memorable quips from Season 3: "I'm world famous now. Press won't leave me alone." "Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?" "The patient's husband prefers her not dead." "The kid's not a cliché. Anybody can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat." "You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn on." "Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours." "Personally, I can't believe I had the same three employees for three years." "He can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can he, Foreman?" Wilson: "Oh God, she's 26." "Ha! Nothing like a dead patient to send you back to your choir boy roots." "The only value of that trust is that you can manipulate them." "That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care." "Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult." "First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.'" "If you need absolution, go to a priest. Or give alms to the poor." "I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me, 'Not twenty-five.'" "Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186." "Never is just reven spelled backwards." "Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?" "It may have been short, but it had girth." "Good news is all the pilots are red meat men. Although I was kinda looking forward to landing this puppy myself." "Happens often in high anxiety situation, especially to women. Now it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?" "Personally, I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty." "Mom's body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time." "No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug." "Even fetuses lie." "I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy." "And find out the truth about who he's been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet." "Better be careful. I have a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it." "Just because it's inexplicted doesn't mean it's inexplicable." "Sorry. Didn't mean to offend your specialty." "Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?" "If you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything you can't finish." "Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation." "I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous." "Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra." "The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief." "Hey, you can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair." "You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack." "My life is just one horror after another." Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?" "You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?" "If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down." "If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R&D." "When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go." "Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now." "I told you never to call me when I'm on trial." Tritter: "Merry Christmas." "I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual." "Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues." "This thing won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'Weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest." "If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills." "Good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!" "Party of Five! Powerful stuff. The OC of its day." Cameron:"You okay?" "Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay." "There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry." "Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions." "Quick, what's the status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron." "Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he'll never have to die." "Is Salma Hayek from Mexico or Spain?" "Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property." "It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?" "You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty." "Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots." "Twenty-year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often." Foreman: "I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?" "Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel." House: "After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up." "Take this four times a day. And stay off airplanes. They're flying cesspools." "Somehow I just can't imagine you taking a Jell-O shot." "I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him, you're mad." "I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made." "Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics." "The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It's right there in the name." "She was being metaphorical. She was trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking." "Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head." Cuddy: "Why did you." "Oh, I stuck that primo! How rad am I?" Cameron: "You're lucky he didn't die."
Posted on 11/22/2007 3:15 PM Comments (0)
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